Before we start, this will probably require alcohol on your part. So here, have Bess’s complimentary Bartending School Dropout™ recipe for Sex On The Beach:
- Fill mixing glass with ice.
- Add one (1) shot each of vodka & peach schnapps.
- Fill glass halfway with orange juice, and the rest of the way with cranberry juice.
- Add a dash of grenadine.
- Pour into shaker & shake. OR, if you’re classy bitches like we are (and let’s face it, if you’re reading this, YOU ARE), you can improvise with a wide-mouthed Avengers cup placed over a drinking glass.
- Strain into hiball glass, and garnish with an orange wedge if you’re feeling fancy. And have an orange.
OKAY DO YOU HAVE YOUR ALCOHOL NOW
GOOD. STORY TIME!
So once upon a time I did not give a shit about swimming, thought Michael Phelps was a douche, and hardly knew who Ryan Lochte was.
That time was 72 hours ago. And then I incepted myself with/dubconned myself into feels? We’re...not really sure how that happened. It started with ironically hate!shipping them and then there was a dark spiral that we’re all just trying to block out of our collective memories. (pennyplainknits described it as “like seeing a tiny bb animal brought down by wolves”.) Whoops.
BUT I’M BRINGING YOU ALL DOWN WITH ME. *coughpaperclipbitchcough*
So allow war_kitten & I to introduce you to The Douchebros.
(SIDEBAR: This ship will ruin your life. I’ve only shipped it for like two days, and I’m currently writing this from war_kitten’s living room, because I was so overcome with feels that I left work early to drive two and a half hours to her house, because I was incapable of watching a five minute race alone tonight. TRUE STORY. That is what these boys will do to you.)
SO in case you have been living under a rock for the past week (/eight years), this is Michael Phelps:
He has won more olympic medals than anyone else in history. He started swimming because he has ADHD, and it helped him burn off extra energy and focus. And it turned out he was like, super good at it.
I used to think he was a douchebag, but now I just think he’s awkward and sort of adorable? Also a bro. He’s still a bro.
THIS is Ryan Lochte:
He is a douchebro. And also generally super ridiculous. The BBC has called him “The Zoolander of Swimming”, which is basically accurate. Here, observe:
For those without video capability, some highlights (although really, if you CAN watch the video, you should, I can't properly convey the bro-iness of it in words):
- "goodbye fried foods, hello right foods...helped my confidence in the pool. And out of it too." you sort of have to see the video but omg the images paired with this + how he says it = XD
- "Still found the time to chill. Bought a dog, named him after my favorite album: Carter." [Picture of Lil Wayne's "Tha Carter"] OF COURSE YOU DID
- "Halfway to London, and everything was coming together. Swimming fast, feelin' good." DUDE BROOOO
- "You know what they say: the shoes make the man. I broke out these babies on the podium after winning gold at the Pan Pacs. Designed 'em myself. With rhinestones." (emphasis mine) Ryan's Shoes OMG NO ONE SAYS THAT RYAN. NO ONE. D Y I N G
- "Best news that year: my sister's text. "Uncle Ryan". Unforgettable." kidfic nao plz (more on this later)
- "Should've brought my skateboard. Skating in Shanghai would've been rad." lolololll WHAT ARE YOU EVEN
- "Fifteen hour flight went a lot quicker with a little Super Monkey Ball." I bet it did, Ryan, I bet it did.
RYAN LOCHTE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
(war_kitten: okay so they do this a lot and like shirtless. Thank fuck for swimmers.)
lol Michael WHAT ARE YOU EVEN
i just cant UGH THEMMMMMMMMMMM
(this was the section in my notes labeled “some stuff of them together IDK it’s 1:30 and I’m sort of drunk”, trufax)
SO Ryan and Michael started competing against each other in 2004 at the Olympic trial heats, which is how they met so far as we can tell. (war_kitten: If anyone has any better information, please tell us right the fuck now.)
They competed together in the 4x200 freestyle in Athens and then more times in other years
I NEED MORE BOOZE
Have an interlude of pics that Liz found (all commentary hers UNLESS I SAY IT'S ME):
I JUST REALLY LIKE THIS ONE
THIS IS REALLY GOOD OK
this is ridiculously stupid and yet kinda hot
I DON'T EVEN KNOW. (bessyboo: I LOVE SWIMMING YOU GUYS)
LOOK. LOOK AT THEM BEING ADORABLE AND LOVELY AND UGH.
This is what you're getting of Ryan's awful hair from me. You can look up that shit on your own and cry. (bessyboo: This is a lie, if you scroll down we've added a whole section dedicated to this. I'm sorry for your eyes.) (war_kitten: She made me do it after I added this. UGH.)
So clearly they are bros. Who are adorbs together.
OH LOOK war_kitten has found us links/multimedia, SHE IS THE BEST:
READ THIS RIGHT AWAY: Whispers, Roses, & A Budding Bromance — Lochte and Phelps Before They Were Rivals
Make sure to click on the pictures and check every caption. Some gems:
- "Ryan appears to give Michael a kiss"
- "Come on, the two were obviously made for each other." (bessyboo: CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS REAL OMG)
- "Michael holds Ryan tightly"
- "Michael and Ryan hold hands"
- "Yet another Ryan and Michael hug moment. Doesn't it just warm your heart?"
- "How can you doubt that these two adore each other?"
- "There are no words that can properly describe this Kodak moment. Michael, Ryan and roses. Sounds like perfect date night to us."
Also check out the title and then tell me the reporter doesn't ship the ever loving fuck out of it.
Also LOVE GALLERY. THAT IS ITS ACTUAL URL.
- GIFSET: Helpful gif/photo set that made platinumvampyr fall in love with this ship.
- ARTICLE: Ryan is a douche. No 1 curr.
- ARTICLE: Literally made me start crying a little. OMFG. Quotes:
"he said to Ryan Lochte, who has been a familiar presence at his side in competition pools, on podiums and in rooms like this one for the past decade, This is our last 200 together."
"Afterward, he clasped Lochte's hand and then stood in the pool and looked around, absorbing the atmosphere as he flashed three fingers to the crowd. Eventually he and Lochte glided to the side of the pool, where they exchanged a few words -- "Just joking, nothing ever serious," said Phelps later -- before getting out."
"On Thursday, just a few days after expressing relief that he had dropped the 200 free before coming to London -- "Those guys would have smoked me," he said -- Phelps talked Lochte up in their shared press conference. "I may have been lucky that Ryan had the 200 back 30 minutes beforehand," said Phelps of his win in the 200 IM. "Ryan can probably swim faster than what I did tonight."
"Those five medals, along with four from Beijing and two from Athens, tie Matt Biondi's 11 for the second most Olympic medals accumulated by an American male after Phelps, who could still get two more medals in his remaining events, the 100 fly (Friday) and the medley relay (Saturday.) It is, by all standards but Phelps', an abundance. Would Lochte have achieved it without Phelps to race and chase all these years?
"It helped out a lot," said Lochte of Phelps's impact on his career, which he intends to extend to 2016. "He is the toughest racer I've ever had to deal with. Hopefully I'll still be able to see him around. I'm going to miss racing him."
- ARTICLE: Look, MARRIED.
- ARTICLE: From this otherwise sort of hilarious article written after Michael's loss in the 400im and before he killed everything else.
Lochte’s prediction on his conquered foe? “The next race he is in, he’s gonna light it up.”
- ARTICLE: From this otherwise boring article here:
"Ryan and I have had a lot of great races," Phelps said. "He has brought the best out of me many times."
- FILK SONG: And then someone made an accidental shipper song vid? (bessyboo: I am only a tiny bit ashamed to say I have ripped an MP3 of this and had it on repeat for the better part of yesterday.)
- INTERVIEW: Knees touching, very important. HIGHLIGHTS:
Ryan: "I've known you since...how long?"
Michael: "04, right? That was our first team."
Ryan: "What place, like, where would you wanna go?"
Michael: "I just wanna be able to do it and not have to swim. I think that's the best part. Like, being able to relax, and not have to just see a pool every trip you get to."
Ryan: "I wanna go skydiving there."
Michael: "Not. A. Shot. I wouldn't even go off the 10 metre. I hate heights."
Ryan: "So we had that meet, I think it was Worlds in, Victoria? We were blowing up water balloons, and like, throwin' 'em outside."
Ryan: "We'd see people walk, cause we were on like, the seventh store."
Michael: "It's always whenever you're on, uh, whenever you're at training camp though, cause you get so bored, so you just start thinking of random stupid things that you can do. They're always enjoyable."
Ryan: "Lately we've been just whoopin' everyone's butt in Spades."
Michael: "Course. It's the easiest game ever. Nobody compare with us."
Michael: "I guess we've both been sort of around pretty much the whole time together, how cool do you think it is that the sport's changed so much from what it used to be..."
- VIDEO: BOYS. PLAYING WITH BOATS. AND BEING ADORABLE.
- COMMERCIAL: Headcanon: The first time Ryan sees this he's 300 miles away and has to race the next morning. Michael is the biggest fucking cockblock.
- VIDEO: In contrast to Ryan's "My Journey", this is Michael Phelps' video essay on his love affair with water. Not responsible for sudden Michael feels this will incur.
- ARTICLE: a slightly bizarre story about Phelps written shortly after the 2000 Olympics.
- INTERVIEW: a guide to Ryan's lingo. YES HE IS ACTUALLY THIS RIDICULOUS
LET'S GO BACK TO THE BOYS INDIVIDUALLY
<-- Michael is off camera
Liz would actually fuck him like this
THIS ONE MORE THO
kiss.gif (bessyboo: This was basically the entirety of Ryan's contribution to the US Olympic Swim Team's Call Me Maybe lipsync. OH RYAN)
(bessyboo: holy crap this is actually super hot, YES PLEASE WEAR GLASSES MORE RYAN)
Some facts about Ryan Steven Lochte:
- His birthday is August 3,1984 (currently age 28).
- He specializes in backstroke & individual medley events.
- He is half-Cuban.
- He has two older sisters, Kristin and Megan, and two younger brothers, Devon and Brandon. He has at least one nephew, whose name is Zaydin.
kidfic nao plz
- He was born in Rochester, New York but grew up in Gainesville, Florida, where he also went to college.
- Both his parents are swim coaches.
- He has a doberman pinscher named Carter (after the Lil Wayne album). Carter is apparently the coolest bro-dog ever.
- He has a tattoo of a gator on his right shoulder and a tattoo of the Olympic rings on his inner right upper arm.
- He's....he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, you guys. There's an interview where someone asks him what 7x4 is. He says 21. ….yeah /o\
- Speaking of...he's sort of terrible at interviews. (Contains footage of above-mentioned math fail.)
- He has custom-made American flag grillz which he wears on the podium whenever he can.
in case you hadn't realized how much of a douche he was yet(war_kitten: HE HAS AN ALL DIAMOND ONE AS WELL. FRANKLY I'M WAITING FOR THE LIME GREEN JEAH ONE.)
- You should never challenge hapakitsune to "Would You Hit It: Ryan Lochte Version"--YOU WILL LOSE, because she has appalling taste when it comes to Ryan.
AND NOW I GIVE YOU: LIZ'S ODE TO RYAN'S AWFUL HAIR (and his grillz)
(IF YOU MISSED THAT)
(IT WAS FUCK YOU BESS)
And now, more fabulous images + commentary brought to you by war_kitten....
He's actually got a great smile, despite his kinda awkward looks.
LOOK HE'S WEARING CLOTHING IN THIS ONE
This is all I will link of his stupidly awful facial hair. (bessyboo: PLEASE, that is NOT that bad. It could be SO MUCH WORSE. If you click those, I am sorry.)
but he really looks best in the water.
SWIMMING. HE IS FANTASTIC AT IT.
he wears his pants really low weirdly (bessyboo: I think he just has like NO HIPS also lol I like they you TOTALLY IGNORED the girl poking his abs XD) (war_kitten: There is a girl poking his abs?)
Some facts about Michael Fred Phelps (courtesy of war_kitten):
- His birthdate is June 30, 1985 (currently age 27).
- He specializes in butterfly, freestyle, and individual medley events.
- He has two dogs, an English Bulldog named Herman and a Catahoula mix named Stella. He adopted Stella after a dog walking segment on the Today show where he fell in love with her.
- His parents divorced when he was 7. His father is Fred Phelps (and as far as I know is not a big part of Michael's life) and his mother is Debbie Phelps. (bessyboo: HE'S KIND OF A MOMMA'S BOY YOU GUYS, AWWWWW PRESH) His mother works as a principal in a middle school.
- He has two sisters. Hilary (who is 7 years older than Michael) and Whitney Flickinger (who is 5 years older than him). Side Note on Whitney: Both of his sisters are/were talented swimmers as well but Whitney raced professionally for awhile.
"As a 14-year-old, Whitney was a national champion; she went to Rome for the 1994 world championships and to the 1996 US Olympic trials in Indiana, ranked No.1 in the 200m butterfly.
Apart from the top ranking, she took a few other passengers to those trials - two bulging discs and two stress fractures in her back. She finished sixth in the trials and missed the Atlanta Olympics." (Taken from here.)
- He has a niece named Taylor (whose mother is Whitney) and a nephew (whose name I can't find and then I felt creepy digging into that so)
ADORABLE PIC WITH TAYLOR OMG: (Bess refuses to embed this due to nasty-ass facial hair, BUT ADORABLE TINY CHILD IS ADORABLE)
Michael with his newphew, awwwwwww!
SIDE NOTE: WHILE LOOKING FOR MICHAEL'S NEPHEW THE FIRST GOOGLE RESULT WAS RYAN AND HIS NEPHEW. THANK YOU FOR THAT GOOGLE.
- His coach is Bob Bowman and he has been his coach since Phelps starting training at North Baltimore Aquatic Club at age 10.
- All the Phelps kids call their mom Debs. It started as a way to distinguish which Mom they were calling for at swimming meets. Now it's just a cute tradition.
- He was born and raised in Towson, Maryland. He currently lives in Baltimore, Maryland.
- He went to University of Michigan in '05 for college and studied for a degree in sports marketing and management. AFAIK he never finished his degree.
- He has a tattoo of the Olympic rings on his right hip and what looks to be a tattoo of the University of Michigan M on his left hip.
- HE HAS ALSO HELPED CO-WRITE A CHILDREN'S BOOK THAT HAS A T-REX IN IT
And now Liz feels like wikipedia but EVEN BETTER BECAUSE WIKI DIDN'T EVEN HAVE HALF OF THIS CRAP.
"Liz's cookies are SO much better than Wikipedia's." --bessyboo
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WE'RE ALMOST DONE O.o (Are you drunk yet? ARE YOU FEELING THE #DOUCHEBROFEELS?!) This means it's time for fanwork recs, wooo! \o/
winning rights, by preromantics
Liz says: THE BEST ONE OUT THERE RIGHT NOW AND IT'S SUPER HOT FUCKING PORN. A FUCKING +++
Bess says: I muted a poolside interview with Michael to focus on reading this one you guys, hngggggggggggggg it is SO PERFECT, basically my fave YES
put your circuits in the sea, by dee_lirious
Liz says: Ugh this one is wonderful and Ryan falling in love is fantastic and so well done.
Bess says: I never thought that you could convincingly combine the associations of "quiet, retrospective pining" and "Ryan POV" in my head believably, but this is FLAWLESS.
Roads Left In Both Of Our Shoes, by waterofthemoon
Liz says: Short and adorable fic that's like a giant cuddle actually. BOYS.
Bess says: This one is just short and sweet and awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww BBS <333
ALSO HEY YOU GUYS GUESS WHAT, sly_hostetter IS SUPER AWESOME AND HAS RECORDED PODFIC OF THIS ONE \o/ This podfic is so sweet, and just captures the warm, fluffy feel of the fic SO WELL :D
At Least the Water's Beneath Your Chin, by sinuous_curve
Liz says: BIRTHDAY FIC AND IT'S WONDERFUL AND PRECIOUS AND MICHAEL MAKES RYAN'S BIRTHDAY THE BEST.
Bess says: Okay, here's the thing about this fic. They are TOTALLY being their douchebro selves in this, but it just has this overwhelming feeling of soft and satisfied and lazy, like the best summer days--as is only appropriate for an early August birthday. It just makes me want to go outside and look at the starts and enjoy the summer before it slips away. ...it also gives me the strangest urge to text an old long-distance FWB with "come visit me bitch" XD
move, but stand in place, by anonymous
Liz says: ugh this one gives you fucking wonderful Michael feels, almost right up there w/ Winning Rights for me.
Bess says: OH MY GOD MICHAEL FEELS!!! Michael is so painfully and yet endearingly awkward in this, and it's all about how he comes into his own and a;slkdfja;kdf FEELS
Sports Make You Health, by Thorne
Liz says: Michael figures out that he has a boyfriend. This is hysterically funny and probably how it would actually happen. Water balloons and all.
Bess says: The tweet that I made when I first started reading this really sums it up: "Rosetta Stone didn't teach me the Chinese to ask for condoms in multiples of a thousand." #LinesYouRead #AndKnowInstantlyThatThisIsAGoodFic
a toast for the douchebags, by hapakitsune
Liz says: OMFG BESSSSST. SHE WRITES THE BEST DOUCHEBAGS AND RYAN IS SUCH A BRO I LOVE THIS FIC also condom snapping is totally canon for Ryan. No one can tell me differently.
Bess says: UM this fic is just....the actualfax best. SO GREAT YOU GUYS, it's perfect. This is the story of how Michael realizes that he has been dating Ryan for eight years, and THEY ARE FLAWLESSLY IN-CHARACTER AS THEIR DOUCHEBRO-Y SELVES, AND AGHHHHHH perfection <3
Also, not really a self-rec, but I have already podficced this one.
Some other fics you should check out:
Sojourn by hollybennett123
Go For Gold by tashlae
try to leave a light on. by lifescript
four times ryan watched michael touch other swimmers (and one time he did something about it) by lifescript
track is actually my favorite olympic sport. (untitled) by canarycreams
The Fortunate Son by dancinbutterfly
Lastly: TWITTER FLAILING! This entire craze on our part largely came about as a direct result of twitter flailing. If you'd like to come join us on the #douchebros, #DouchebroFeels and #DouchebrosForLYFE hashtags, you should follow bessyboo, war_kitten, sketchingbirds, hapakitsune, anna_unfolding, sly_hostetter & milkbutnotsugar. COME AND FLAIL WITH US :D :D :D
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WE'RE DONE!!! Holy crap that was intense. Are you feeling the #DouchebroFeels?! paperclipbitch, have we converted you yet?? And most importantly, WHO IS GOING TO WRITE ME THE FASHION AU WHERE RYAN IS A DOUCHEY DESIGNER ALA ED HARDY, AND MICHAEL IS A SUPER INTENSE FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER AND RYAN'S STUFF IS SORT OF BENEATH HIM BUT HE DOES ALL OF HIS PHOTOSHOOTS ANYWAY
war_kitten would like to thank bessyboo for doing the writing portion so she didn't have to inflict her grammar on the world. You are the best darling. <3
bessyboo would like to thank war_kitten for gathering the media, and watching all the videos of Ryan that give her second-hand embarrassment so she doesn't have to. YOU ARE THE OTHER BEST DEAR <3
Crossposted to Dreamwidth here. There are comments over there.