8/5/12 09:27 pm - THE DOUCHEBROS PRIMER
(NOTE: written on Thursday night, but then we collapses from FEELS so had to come back & format for posting over the past couple days. We are super great like that.)
Before we start, this will probably require alcohol on your part. So here, have Bess’s complimentary Bartending School Dropout™ recipe for Sex On The Beach:
OKAY DO YOU HAVE YOUR ALCOHOL NOW
GOOD. STORY TIME!
So once upon a time I did not give a shit about swimming, thought Michael Phelps was a douche, and hardly knew who Ryan Lochte was.
That time was 72 hours ago. And then I incepted myself with/dubconned myself into feels? We’re...not really sure how that happened. It started with ironically hate!shipping them and then there was a dark spiral that we’re all just trying to block out of our collective memories. (pennyplainknits described it as “like seeing a tiny bb animal brought down by wolves”.) Whoops.
BUT I’M BRINGING YOU ALL DOWN WITH ME. *coughpaperclipbitchcough*
So allow war_kitten & I to introduce you to The Douchebros.
(SIDEBAR: This ship will ruin your life. I’ve only shipped it for like two days, and I’m currently writing this from war_kitten’s living room, because I was so overcome with feels that I left work early to drive two and a half hours to her house, because I was incapable of watching a five minute race alone tonight. TRUE STORY. That is what these boys will do to you.)
SO in case you have been living under a rock for the past week (/eight years), this is Michael Phelps:
He has won more olympic medals than anyone else in history. He started swimming because he has ADHD, and it helped him burn off extra energy and focus. And it turned out he was like, super good at it.
I used to think he was a douchebag, but now I just think he’s awkward and sort of adorable? Also a bro. He’s still a bro.
THIS is Ryan Lochte:
He is a douchebro. And also generally super ridiculous. The BBC has called him “The Zoolander of Swimming”, which is basically accurate. Here, observe:
For those without video capability, some highlights (although really, if you CAN watch the video, you should, I can't properly convey the bro-iness of it in words):
RYAN LOCHTE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
(war_kitten: okay so they do this a lot and like shirtless. Thank fuck for swimmers.)
lol Michael WHAT ARE YOU EVEN
i just cant UGH THEMMMMMMMMMMM
(this was the section in my notes labeled “some stuff of them together IDK it’s 1:30 and I’m sort of drunk”, trufax)
SO Ryan and Michael started competing against each other in 2004 at the Olympic trial heats, which is how they met so far as we can tell. (war_kitten: If anyone has any better information, please tell us right the fuck now.)
They competed together in the 4x200 freestyle in Athens and then more times in other years
I NEED MORE BOOZE
Have an interlude of pics that Liz found (all commentary hers UNLESS I SAY IT'S ME):
I JUST REALLY LIKE THIS ONE
THIS IS REALLY GOOD OK
this is ridiculously stupid and yet kinda hot
I DON'T EVEN KNOW. (bessyboo: I LOVE SWIMMING YOU GUYS)
LOOK. LOOK AT THEM BEING ADORABLE AND LOVELY AND UGH.
This is what you're getting of Ryan's awful hair from me. You can look up that shit on your own and cry. (bessyboo: This is a lie, if you scroll down we've added a whole section dedicated to this. I'm sorry for your eyes.) (war_kitten: She made me do it after I added this. UGH.)
So clearly they are bros. Who are adorbs together.
OH LOOK war_kitten has found us links/multimedia, SHE IS THE BEST:
READ THIS RIGHT AWAY: Whispers, Roses, & A Budding Bromance — Lochte and Phelps Before They Were Rivals
Make sure to click on the pictures and check every caption. Some gems:
Also check out the title and then tell me the reporter doesn't ship the ever loving fuck out of it.
Also LOVE GALLERY. THAT IS ITS ACTUAL URL.
LET'S GO BACK TO THE BOYS INDIVIDUALLY
<-- Michael is off camera
Liz would actually fuck him like this
THIS ONE MORE THO
kiss.gif (bessyboo: This was basically the entirety of Ryan's contribution to the US Olympic Swim Team's Call Me Maybe lipsync. OH RYAN)
(bessyboo: holy crap this is actually super hot, YES PLEASE WEAR GLASSES MORE RYAN)
Some facts about Ryan Steven Lochte:
AND NOW I GIVE YOU: LIZ'S ODE TO RYAN'S AWFUL HAIR (and his grillz)
(IF YOU MISSED THAT)
(IT WAS FUCK YOU BESS)
And now, more fabulous images + commentary brought to you by war_kitten....
He's actually got a great smile, despite his kinda awkward looks.
LOOK HE'S WEARING CLOTHING IN THIS ONE
This is all I will link of his stupidly awful facial hair. (bessyboo: PLEASE, that is NOT that bad. It could be SO MUCH WORSE. If you click those, I am sorry.)
but he really looks best in the water.
SWIMMING. HE IS FANTASTIC AT IT.
he wears his pants really low weirdly (bessyboo: I think he just has like NO HIPS also lol I like they you TOTALLY IGNORED the girl poking his abs XD) (war_kitten: There is a girl poking his abs?)
Some facts about Michael Fred Phelps (courtesy of war_kitten):
And now Liz feels like wikipedia but EVEN BETTER BECAUSE WIKI DIDN'T EVEN HAVE HALF OF THIS CRAP.
"Liz's cookies are SO much better than Wikipedia's." --bessyboo
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WE'RE ALMOST DONE O.o (Are you drunk yet? ARE YOU FEELING THE #DOUCHEBROFEELS?!) This means it's time for fanwork recs, wooo! \o/
winning rights, by preromantics
Liz says: THE BEST ONE OUT THERE RIGHT NOW AND IT'S SUPER HOT FUCKING PORN. A FUCKING +++
Bess says: I muted a poolside interview with Michael to focus on reading this one you guys, hngggggggggggggg it is SO PERFECT, basically my fave YES
put your circuits in the sea, by dee_lirious
Liz says: Ugh this one is wonderful and Ryan falling in love is fantastic and so well done.
Bess says: I never thought that you could convincingly combine the associations of "quiet, retrospective pining" and "Ryan POV" in my head believably, but this is FLAWLESS.
Roads Left In Both Of Our Shoes, by waterofthemoon
Liz says: Short and adorable fic that's like a giant cuddle actually. BOYS.
Bess says: This one is just short and sweet and awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww BBS <333
ALSO HEY YOU GUYS GUESS WHAT, sly_hostetter IS SUPER AWESOME AND HAS RECORDED PODFIC OF THIS ONE \o/ This podfic is so sweet, and just captures the warm, fluffy feel of the fic SO WELL :D
At Least the Water's Beneath Your Chin, by sinuous_curve
Liz says: BIRTHDAY FIC AND IT'S WONDERFUL AND PRECIOUS AND MICHAEL MAKES RYAN'S BIRTHDAY THE BEST.
Bess says: Okay, here's the thing about this fic. They are TOTALLY being their douchebro selves in this, but it just has this overwhelming feeling of soft and satisfied and lazy, like the best summer days--as is only appropriate for an early August birthday. It just makes me want to go outside and look at the starts and enjoy the summer before it slips away. ...it also gives me the strangest urge to text an old long-distance FWB with "come visit me bitch" XD
move, but stand in place, by anonymous
Liz says: ugh this one gives you fucking wonderful Michael feels, almost right up there w/ Winning Rights for me.
Bess says: OH MY GOD MICHAEL FEELS!!! Michael is so painfully and yet endearingly awkward in this, and it's all about how he comes into his own and a;slkdfja;kdf FEELS
Sports Make You Health, by Thorne
Liz says: Michael figures out that he has a boyfriend. This is hysterically funny and probably how it would actually happen. Water balloons and all.
Bess says: The tweet that I made when I first started reading this really sums it up: "Rosetta Stone didn't teach me the Chinese to ask for condoms in multiples of a thousand." #LinesYouRead #AndKnowInstantlyThatThisIsAGoodFic
a toast for the douchebags, by hapakitsune
Liz says: OMFG BESSSSST. SHE WRITES THE BEST DOUCHEBAGS AND RYAN IS SUCH A BRO I LOVE THIS FIC also condom snapping is totally canon for Ryan. No one can tell me differently.
Bess says: UM this fic is just....the actualfax best. SO GREAT YOU GUYS, it's perfect. This is the story of how Michael realizes that he has been dating Ryan for eight years, and THEY ARE FLAWLESSLY IN-CHARACTER AS THEIR DOUCHEBRO-Y SELVES, AND AGHHHHHH perfection <3
Also, not really a self-rec, but I have already podficced this one.
Some other fics you should check out:
Sojourn by hollybennett123
Go For Gold by tashlae
try to leave a light on. by lifescript
four times ryan watched michael touch other swimmers (and one time he did something about it) by lifescript
track is actually my favorite olympic sport. (untitled) by canarycreams
The Fortunate Son by dancinbutterfly
Lastly: TWITTER FLAILING! This entire craze on our part largely came about as a direct result of twitter flailing. If you'd like to come join us on the #douchebros, #DouchebroFeels and #DouchebrosForLYFE hashtags, you should follow bessyboo, war_kitten, sketchingbirds, hapakitsune, anna_unfolding, sly_hostetter & milkbutnotsugar. COME AND FLAIL WITH US :D :D :D
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WE'RE DONE!!! Holy crap that was intense. Are you feeling the #DouchebroFeels?! paperclipbitch, have we converted you yet?? And most importantly, WHO IS GOING TO WRITE ME THE FASHION AU WHERE RYAN IS A DOUCHEY DESIGNER ALA ED HARDY, AND MICHAEL IS A SUPER INTENSE FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER AND RYAN'S STUFF IS SORT OF BENEATH HIM BUT HE DOES ALL OF HIS PHOTOSHOOTS ANYWAY
war_kitten would like to thank bessyboo for doing the writing portion so she didn't have to inflict her grammar on the world. You are the best darling. <3
bessyboo would like to thank war_kitten for gathering the media, and watching all the videos of Ryan that give her second-hand embarrassment so she doesn't have to. YOU ARE THE OTHER BEST DEAR <3
Crossposted to Dreamwidth here. There are comments over there.